Iron Man: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by Fishing Four Finnick
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of an IRON MAN: GENIUS, BILLIONAIRE, PLAYBOY, PHILANTHROPIST unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your IRON MAN unit will give you decades of quality snarky performance. As Requested!


Disclaimer: The Avengers/Iron Man sadly do not belong to me.

A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

A/N 2: I will be making more of these for the Avengers/Marvel fandom. Stay tuned for more! And be sure to check out my original parody manual: _Loki: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual_ as well!

_**.~.**_

_**Iron Man: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**_

_**CONGRATULATIONS!**_

You are now the proud owner of an IRON MAN unit!

Follow the guidelines in this manual and your IRON MAN unit will give you decades of quality snarky performance.

**INSTALLATION**

When you receive your IRON MAN unit, for optimal performance, be sure to tell IRON MAN unit that he will have access to any and every lab materials and tools he can dream of. It may also be additionally helpful to tell him that Pepper Potts is staying nearby, as this may promote his cooperation with you. After telling IRON MAN unit these things he will become very excited and you might have to sedate him until JARVIS calms him down and gets control of his hard drives.

Your IRON MAN unit should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the IRON MAN unit.

(a) IRON MAN 1.0 (copyright Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Don Heck, Larry Lieber: 1963)

(b) IRON MAN 2.0 (copyright Kenneth Branagh/Jon Favreau/Robert Downey Junior, 2008/2012)

**Note:** This Owner's Manual refers to IRON MAN 2.0, the more lifelike model who closely resembles Robert Downey Junior.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Anthony "Tony" Stark

Fortune Status: Billionaire

Sexual Status: Playboy

Career Choice: Inventor

Species: Human-Robot

Manufacturers: Mr and Mrs Stark

Height: 5'9

Weight: 175 lbs

Hair Color: Black

Eyes: Brown

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Your IRON MAN unit has been designed to be as user-friendly as possible. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly (or garbled) in any language you feel fitting, as JARVIS will happily translate for the IRON MAN unit. *please note that JARVIS is not fluent in "gibberish."

Remember that your IRON MAN unit is not just a walking hunk of metal, and it should be noted he is also a hunk without all the iron on him, and needs no reassurance of his attractive qualities.

Intelligence Quotient:

Your IRON MAN unit is an inventing genius, as most everyone knows. Your IRON MAN unit will exercise his brain power quite frequently, and if no tinker toys or tool boxes are present for your IRON MAN unit Legos and Playboy magazines will substitute nicely. Your IRON MAN unit will astound you with his brain power, and he will gladly tell you all about his genius.

Combat:

Your IRON MAN unit comes with his full powered IRON MAN suit, which can operate many powerful weapons. Including but not limited to: ray gun, chain saw, large explosives, rubber ducky and countless others with the potential to be unlocked!

Creative Thinking:

In Afghanistan IRON MAN unit was captured by Ten Rings. They ordered him to build a missile for them, instead IRON MAN used his resources to build a suit of armor and make an escape. *These are just one of the many genius occurrences of IRON MAN unit, if you wish to hear more, simply ask, he'd be happy to tell you about how awesome he is.

WARNING: Your IRON MAN unit may try to duplicate this great escape on you if he is given proper time and energy to do so, exercise caution when ordering him to build things for you.

**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

You will find that your IRON MAN unit's naturally occurring "I'm better than you" attitude can make him slightly difficult to get along with, but fear not, IRON MAN unit can in fact make friends. IRON MAN unit has been reported to like to pick fights with LOKI unit (as can be understood why) and CAPTAINAMERICA unit. Please exercise caution when using your IRON MAN unit in close proximity to these two models. In addition to your IRON MAN unit's quirks, he also comes with the following settings:

(a) Playboy

(b) Inventing Genius

(c) Snarky

(d) Superior

(e) Violent

(f) Manipulative*NEW!*

Congratulations! Your IRON MAN unit comes with a complete Manipulative setting as well! It is not suggested to use this setting casually, as you may find that you are being talked into doing his bidding instead of him yours.

Note: Your IRON MAN unit will always have a permanent "superior" setting activated, as he believes he is better than everyone else, however, if you wish to have the full extent of his superiority beliefs, feel free to put him in setting (d). Please also note that if putting your IRON MAN unit on setting (a) and you are female, he may attempt to seduce you. *Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any accidental pregnancies caused by your IRON MAN unit.

WARNING: Do not activate setting (e) around priceless family heirlooms or other irreplaceable objects. *Unit Incorporated is not responsible for any personal or object damage made by the IRON MAN unit.

**ACCESSORIES**

The items with which your IRON MAN unit comes equipped, depends on which edition of the Inventing Genius you have purchased.

IRON MAN 1.0 : Just like all other MARVEL units of the first type, your IRON MAN is made completely of paper. *NEW* New to this model is his improved IRON MAN suit made completely of aluminum foil!

IRON MAN 2.0 : Your IRON MAN comes with chest piece, full IRON MAN suit, easily removable helmet, sun glasses, and everyday clothes for when he's not wearing his IRON MAN suit.

**CLEANING**

Your IRON MAN unit will be happy to bathe. He likes either showering or baths, or to clean his suit, he'd be over joyed to use the car wash.

**LUBRICATION**

To ensure that your IRON MAN unit remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.

Note: Your IRON MAN unit is very self-sufficient and will lubricate himself if you ask him to. Please also note that if your IRON MAN unit is on his "playboy" setting, he may ask you to assist him.

**RECHARGING**

Your IRON MAN unit should be treated like a special guest at all times. The following are required for proper maintenance:

Food:

Your IRON MAN unit will eat many different dishes if you can convince him to eat them. Your IRON MAN unit is used to only the best; therefore he should only be fed the best. Wikipedia has a nice article about Cooking for Robot Human Hybrids. The IRON MAN unit suit should not ask you for food without your TONY STARK unit inside of it, if such a problem occurs, please contact a local exorcist.

Drink:

Your IRON MAN unit will happily devour any alcoholic beverage you place before him; however he does prefer the more expensive brands. But, if expensive drinks are out of your price range, he will easily down cheaper beverages. Unfortunately, it is difficult to get your IRON MAN unit to drink anything non-alcoholic. JARVIS would be happy to assist you in forcing TONY STARK unit to drink water/milk/juice etc. for a shot of the best oil you have.

Sleep:

Your IRON MAN unit enjoys his sleep almost as much as he enjoys inventing. It is suggested to allow your TONY STARK unit naps between working so that he can always be fresh and ready to face the day. Please keep in mind that your IRON MAN unit should have five or more hours of sleep every night if you wish for him to interact kindly.

**REPROGRAMMING**

The IRON MAN 2.0 can be issued with a revised knowledge program from Stark Industries. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as he would be thoroughly embarrassed to find that his knowledge database is out of date.

It is not possible to reprogram the IRON MAN 1.0, who only doubles as a fancy nightlight.

**SECURITY**

Thanks to the popularity of the IRON MAN unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your Playboy Inventing Genius.

* Have your IRON MAN double micro-chipped. It is suggested that your microchip his IRON MAN suit and the TONY STARK unit. Be sure to have him micro-chipped in an area that he cannot easily access, as he will be more than happy to detach/ deactivate the microchip.

* Do not leave your IRON MAN unit unattended in public, especially on his Playboy setting, you may traumatize any curious spectators who are not expecting a show.

* Do not lend your IRON MAN unit to anyone, he may believe he is being kidnapped and beat your friend up/ destroy their place of residence to "regain his freedom."

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:** _My IRON MAN unit is constantly bragging about how brilliant he is. Is his superiority setting jammed__?_

**A:** Fear not, your IRON MAN unit does not have any problems what-so-ever. Your IRON MAN unit is programmed to think he is better than everyone else, and as is his nature, he wants to remind you that he is also better than you.

**Q:**_ When I ask my IRON MAN unit to run errands for me he tells me he was under the impression that he is "volatile, self-centered, and I doesn't play well with others" how do I get him to stop saying that?_

**A:** Unfortunately, your IRON MAN unit does indeed have those traits, and nothing you do can change that. If you really want him to run your errands that badly, bribe him with some sort of expensive alcoholic beverage, or tell him that Pepper Potts is waiting for him at the location you want him to go to.

**Q**: _My IRON MAN unit says that I'm only going to receive "Twelve Percent of the Credit" for almost everything I do, and "Fifteen percent" with an argument. What's wrong with him?_

**A**: There's nothing wrong with him – it's just one of his quirks. Just accept it and move on.

**TROUBLE SHOOTING**

**Problem:** I recently dyed my shoulder length hair blonde, and now my IRON MAN unit is calling me 'Thunder head'/'Point Break' and asking me where my glowing blue hammer is. Are his drives faulty?

**Solution: **Thankfully enough, there is nothing wrong with your IRON MAN unit, although you might say he has a little bit of an overactive imagination. Your IRON MAN unit is apparently under the impression that you are in fact THOR unit. If the problem continues, we suggest you return to your original hair color.

**Problem:** All my IRON MAN wants to talk about is Alcohol, Stark Industries, Math, and Engineering. How can I get him to talk about interesting things?

**Solution:** Ask him about his Playboy setting.

**Problem:** I had my IRON MAN unit hand out candy on Halloween, and he proceeded to chase down a small child in a Loki costume and demand the location of the Tesseract. What should I do?

**Solution:** Have your IRON MAN unit stay indoors in his lab from now on; when he said he doesn't play well with others, he wasn't kidding. You may also wish to bribe the child's parents by paying for the child's medical bills (therapy, psychologist, hospital, etc.). *Unit Incorporated does not take responsibility for your IRON MAN unit's shenanigans.

**Problem: **When I call my IRON MAN setting and ask him to do things for me while I am out he says: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message" I am tired of him doing this! How do I fix it?

**Solution:** Your IRON MAN is behaving like this because, more likely than not, he is having flirty interactions with a female and does not want you to interrupt him. Please be sure to check to make sure that your IRON MAN unit's settings are not on Playboy when you leave him alone. If you do, he will find many exciting sexual things to do instead of what you ask.

**Problem:** I attempt to feed my IRON MAN regular food but he pushes it away saying "Give me a scotch, I'm starving." If he's so hungry, why won't he eat?

**Solution:** Your IRON MAN has a thorough appetite for alcohol. If you wish you can attempt to have JARVIS force feed him.

**Problem:** My IRON MAN unit frequently calls me Watson and when I don't respond to his name calling he says "You have the grand gift of silence, Watson; it makes you quite invaluable as a companion" who on earth is Watson, and what the heck is he talking about?

**Solution:** Oh my! You have been issued a SHERLOCK HOLMES unit. As you may very well know, WATSON unit is HOLMES's partner in crime- or rather crime solving. Please bring this model to the closest Unit Incorporated Specialist immediately for an exchange, unless you have grown attached to his practicing the violin at three in the morning, mess, general lack of hygiene, or the fact that he steals your clothes.

**Problem:** I believe that my IRON MAN unit got me drunk and pregnant. How did this happen? And more importantly, what will my child be like?

**Solution:** You poor soul. It is more likely than not that he used his manipulative and playboy settings against you. Thankfully, your baby will not be a robotic hybrid, as that is a self-inflicted trait that IRON MAN unit possesses. And also on the plus side, your IRON MAN unit will be devilishly handsome and educated in the art of 'playboying', inventing, and being an all-around genius.

**Problem: **My IRON MAN is behaving evilly and speaking in Ancient Norse with LOKI unit who is supposed to be his enemy. What's wrong?

**Solution: **You may have been issued an IRON MANIAC unit who is on the quest for world domination as well. Please lock your IRON MANIAC in a dark room with a teddy bear and a punching bag until you can contact your local Unit Incorporated Specialists. We will give you a new and correct IRON MAN unit free of charge, and even throw in an IRON MAN unit 1.0 in compensation for your troubles.

**ADDITIONAL INFO**

Stark Tower

406 Lexington Avenue

New York, NY 10017

For questions or concerns please contact your nearest review box immediately.


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